Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
