I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
