I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm passing your future prison.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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