I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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