meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
