The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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