You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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