You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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