You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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