It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
