you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
