I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
