Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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