I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
