did you get engaged???
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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