If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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