I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
