Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
