Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
