You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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