omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm at about main and main street
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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