Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
