he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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