did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
