I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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