I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
