Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
