I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
