Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
