Your mouth is God's brothel.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
