She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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