i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
