I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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