A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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