My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
