nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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