The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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