I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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