im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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