there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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