Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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