I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
