What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
