Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
