If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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