im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
