its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm always down for nudity.
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