there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
