My liver just broke up with me...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
