im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
