So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
