Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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