He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
