I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
