I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
