I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
