they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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