The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
