I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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