the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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